I intend to publish Super Civil War in 2023. The first draft (some chapters a lot rougher than others) is almost done. I have performed Chapter 1 at several open mics, so I share it here. Dang, I shoulda recorded myself last Monday, I do lotsa voices in this chapter, it is fun!
(Note: I have [Music Titles] embedded in the story. These are royalty free songs that go nicely with my readings. For you writers looking for good music to go along with your story, I recommend Kevin MacLeod. Sweet tunes both for free and at reasonable prices.)
CHAPTER 1: CRAZY CAPITOL STEPS!
JANUARY 6. TELEVISIONS ACROSS AMERICA. THE NEWS CHANNEL.
The TV showed the grandfather behind his desk, America’s most trusted anchorman. “This is Walter Clonklite with an emergency newscast. An insurrectionist mob is even now attempting to storm the chambers of the United States Congress! I now switch to the capitol steps, and to our reporter ensconced upon them. Barbara?”
[Plucky Daisy: Kevin MacLeod]
The TV showed a woman with a poofy hairdo and a serious smile, speaking into her microphone while a mob raged behind her. “Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa, wepohwting on this wampent waging wiot! These white tewwobow tewwowists awe enwaged! Angwy! This attempt to ohvohthwow the govowment is wewe wewe warge! I have one tewowwist with me! Elmo Putz?”
The TV showed a short bald man in a hunting outfit and holding a shotgun. “Be vewy vewy qwiet! I’m hunting congwessmen! HUH HUH HUH HUH!”
Baba cocked her head, her helmet hairdo eclipsing a man behind her wearing a bearskin and waving a confederate flag. “Why awe you weeching into yow powket?”
Elmo pulled out a bundle of zip-ties. “I’m gonna tie up those waskowwee senowtows! Then they cannot count those iwwegaw votes!” He smiled. “But I won’t zip them too tight, that would be wewe wong.”
Baba frowned at him. “Kidnapping is iwwegow!”
Elmo frowned at her. “Uh uh! Stumpfingow sez we gotta stop the steeow!”
Baba frowned even more! “Own-wee wacists would wisten to that wacist!”
“HEY! YER BLOCKING MAH PARTRIOTISM,” the bearskin guy shouted into a megaphone. “GIT YOUR FAT FEMALE HEAD OUTTA MAH WAY!” He hammered his confederate flag pole on top of Baba’s head: WANNNNNGGGGGG!!!
Elmo said, “Hey! That’s no way to tweet a wady!” He aimed his shotgun. KAH-BLAMMMM!!!
The bearskin man gawked at strips of smoldering cloth. “Yew shot my flag to smithereeniees!” He turned and ran down the capitol steps. “I’m telling Stumpfinger, I’m telling! WAHHHHHHH!!!”
Elmo turned back to Baba. “Awe you awe wight?”
Baba smiled sweetly. “I’m okay, My haow is tuffow then a motocykow hewmet!”
Elmo thoughtfully held his chin. “I thought Stumpfingow was gonna pwotect my second amendment wights! Instead that wask-oh-wee weactionawy twied to make me a wascist!” His eyes narrowed. “Be vewy vewy qwiet, I’m hunting Stumpfingows!” He stalked away. “HUH HUH HUH HUH!!!”
The TV switched to Walter thoughtfully tapping his earpiece. “This just in! A battle now brews within the hallowed hall of the Congressional Chamber! I switch to the newsman who fought his way there: our sports announcer! Howard?”
[Batty McFaddin: Kevin MacLeod]
The TV switched to a fiftyish man with shiny black hair, nose like a pickle, tan sports coat, and narrow, beady eyes that lasered fiery attitude. He heavyweight-boxer-punched out his every word. “This… is Howard Hardyell! Reporting live, at great risk to my own life and limb! Yet… I report on this pandemonium! Or shall I say… pillow-mondium! Behold!”
The TV switched to the congressional floor, where hundreds of white men and women in orange cowboy hats drove senators and congressmen out of their seats, down the aisles, and against the right wall. Driving not with fists or guns… but with pillows swinging, flying… one shattered the presidential podium.
Howard’s beady eyes widened. “The podium is down! Downed by a weaponized pillow! Who would turn America’s softest sport into gladiator ghastliness?” He glared at someone off-camera. “Was it Stumpfinger’s bullying bellow at this mob earlier today that drove it into insanity? Or was it your offer of free American-flag pillows? And incidentally, the American flag does NOT have a central orange stripe!”
[Professor Umlat: Kevin MacLeod]
The TV panned back to show Howard and a brown-haired, thirtyish white male in a blue sports coat and an orange cowboy hat. The man salesman-smiled into the camera. “Hi, I’m Pillow Guy. I merely help patriots to thwart the theft.”
Howard sneered at Pillow Guy and stated, “You incongruous, incompetent idiot! Anita Von Copper won the first vote count, even after a dozen recounts! Does Stumpfinger fear… the facts?”
Pillow Guy’s smile grew some menace. “We provide alternate facts! If we have to push aside Congress to do it, we do it the American way! Not with bullets—”
Howard cut him off with his well-practiced ease of five-foot-six sportscaster out-yelling six-foot-six boxer. “America knows that no firearm works inside this chamber ever since last October, after Fran Lee installed a gun dampening force field, after the White Wonder Boys smuggled a bazooka into the State of the Union address, which Super Holly stuffed into their leader’s bodily orifice that he found most uncomfortable! But now your weapons of fluffy destruction tear down our democracy! Behold what your pillows have wrought!”
The TV showed congressmen lined up against the right wall of the chamber. The pillow-wielders stalked toward them, swinging pillows like maces on chains, WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH!!! A quartet of congresswomen of color moved in front, their arms linked.
Pillow Guy spoke as if gently telling Howard there is no Santa Claus. “Don’t you know that fake president was born in the darkest African jungle? And was raised by lemurs? Don’t you watch the Rabbit Hole Channel?”
Howard’s steely eyes stared fearless fury into the camera. “You heard it, America! Another debunked crazy conspiracy theory vomited upon you!” He turned back to Pillow Guy. “Behold, your mob cowers before the brave gaze of the ladies of the squad! And I heard of your conspiracy against me!”
Pillow Guy put his hand over his heart. “Why, whatever do you mean?”
A man in a confederate uniform was sneaking up, ready to swing a huge, menacing pillow.
Howard did not bother to turn around. “I mean that goon behind me who’s aim is chillingly simple: inflict fatal damage upon my sportscasting skull with a pillow stuffed with rocks! A cowardly act doomed… to fail!”
The man behind Howard stopped for a moment in surprise. Then he swung!
[Merry Go: Kevin MacLeod]
With a WHOOSH, a young plump woman in a white samurai robe landed between Howard and the goon. She drew a sword and sliced the pillow to shreds… and into pebbles. Smiling sweetly, she said to the fleeing goon, “You boys should play nice!” She turned her head slightly. “You were right, Howard.”
Pillow Guy lost his smile. He trembled and backed away. “It can’t be! We diverted you supers with a bomb threat!”
Howard turned to the camera. “You heard it again, America! A confession, preceded with a tedious catchphrase!”
The sword woman turned her sweet smile to Pillow Guy and put the tip of her sword on his nose. “Don’t go anywhere. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but don’t ever try to fool Super Holly’s boyfriend, The Intellectual.”
Howard turned to her. “My sportscasting earpiece informed me that you supers were coming! Democracy shall prevail! Brave and talented young woman, your name?”
“Teri Silver.” She bowed. “The Smiling Samurai.”
Howard smiled at her. “I was saved from a pillowy peril by a brave, skilled, happy, and pillowy heroine! May this arrogant sportscasting jerk kiss your hand in gratitude?”
Teri smiled at him while keeping her sword on Pillow Guy’s nose. “Aw! Who says an arrogant, pompous, obnoxious, vain, verbose showoff can’t be a gentleman?”
Howard kissed her hand. “My reputation precedes me. But shouldn’t you be rescuing our government?”
Teri said, “The rescue is already happening.”
The TV switched to a human-size, super-swift blur that grabbed dozens of congressmen and WHOOSHed them out of the building. The blur zipped up to Howard and Teri and stopped. A tall lean African American man said, “Hello, Teri! Big fan, Howard! Gotta deadline to beat!” He sped to a blur again and zipped the remaining congressmen to safety in two seconds.
Howard faced the camera again. “And the day is saved! By the fastest man in the world, Keith Liteman! A true American hero!”
Teri took her sword off Pillow Guy’s nose. “I know what you’re thinking. Don’t say it.”
KAH-RAMMMM! Through the ceiling burst a blue, yellow-topped missile that landed before the pillow fighters. A missile in the form of a superwoman!
[In The Hall of the Mountain King]
Howard’s face filled with respect. “And the mightiest of the mighty, Super Holly Hansson, has arrived! She faces these villainous traitors alone, as a hero should! Hundreds of them! One of her!” The camera filled with his ominous face. “I actually pity them.”
The camera showed Super Holly stalking toward the cowboy-hatted pillow fighters, her red cape rustling like a flag, her long blonde hair fluffed out like an angry lion’s mane. “Do me a favor, you slime-soaked Stumpers! Don’t give up easy!”
They yelled to each other, “Stumpfinger’s worst enemy! Get her!”
Holly sneered at them stalking toward her. “Ooo, the big bad Stumpers gonna fluff me to death? Be sure you got all the stuffing up on end—” POOF! “HEY!” PLAFF! “Stoppit!” FLOOF! “I actually felt that!” PLOOF PLAFF FLOOMPH PLOOF PLOOMMMFF!!! “What’re those pillows stuffed with?”
Teri stared at the shreds of the goon’s pillow. She whispered, “My samurai sense… warning me…” She took a phone out of a pocket, pointed it, and read it. “NO!”
Howard reported, “The Smiling Samurai now spins her sword faster than the human eye! Quicker than a centrifuge! How does she do it? Why does she do it?”
Teri stopped spinning her sword. She glared at Pillow Guy. “I sliced and destroyed every virus that was stuffed into YOUR pillow!”
Pillow Guy gasped! “B-b-but I didn’t do that!”
Teri looked past him. Her cherubic face filled with horror. She yelled, “Holly! STOP!!!“
Super Holly Hansson held aloft hundreds of Stumpers in one gigantic blue telekinetic hand, and their pillows in the other. Her face twisted with warrior rage! “THIS IS HOW I WIN PILLOW FIGHTS! WITH APPLAUSE!!!“
Howard filled the chamber with his mighty obnoxiousness. “SUPER HOLLY HANSSON! DESIST, I SAY! FOR THOSE PESTILENT PILLOWS ARE FULL OF—”
Holly clapped her telekinetic hands, an ear-splitting, earth-quaking, soul-shattering super-sonic boom: PLOOFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!