Ahoy, matey, here be me onomatopoeia!

ARRR!!! I be one day late fer Talk Like A Pirate Day! But I be doin’ it now because, like a pirate, I be breakin’ the rules when I write my action-packed and comic book goofy prose stories! Firstly, I be writing accents into me dialog! Like I be doin’ right now! Secondly, I be using plenty of exclamation points!!!!!!!!! And thirdly, I be writing sound effects words! Why not? They be words on the page, adding sound! YARRRRRR!!! Here be some of me sound effects booty in me Super Bad Hair Day short stories!

Them scallywags Harry Headbutt and Super Holly fight toe-to-toe and scowl-to-scowl, and for every one of Harry’s punches, Holly clobbers him with five! THOOM! POW POW POW POW POW! THOOM!! POW POW POW POW POW!! THOOM!!! POW POW POW POW POW!!!

SHPLLLPTT! A big fat bug hits Super Holly’s face mid-flight!

KERR-RUNCH! SKKKKKTT! Holly accidentally punches a parked car, caving in its driver side door and skidding it onto the sidewalk, good thing she has insurance!

Harry Headbutt be blowin’ a motorcycle-revving super-raspberry: “BBBBBTTTHHHHHPPPPP, BBBPPPP, BBBPPPP, BBBTHHHPPPPPP!” Now that be WET!

Apricot Computer CEO Chris Jobz kisses the evil Karate Queen’s feet: MMM-WAH, MMM-WAH!

BUMP WHUMP BUMPLE THUMP! A beat-up ninja be tumbling onto a stage!

FLOOOFFF! The inky cape of the Intellectual be billowing!

TOK! Holly’s pen bounces off her signing table. KAH-LATTER! And hits the floor. FLUR-FLUFFLE! Followed by some of her comic books.

BTFFFT-KER-SPLLLLLUP! A giant spider web be blanketing all the geeks in the Geek Guy’s comic book shop!

Holly Hansson’s pre-super fist plows into John Glutt’s doughy cheek: SHHPLLLUUUDDD!

YARRRRR, those were FUN to read aloud at open mics!!! I be learning from the masters! Like Stan Lee, who said that the third “O” be, of course, silent in BTK-KA-THOOOM!!!

And Charles Schultz! Linus be throwin’ one snowball at Lucy — WHAP! — and then Lucy be clobberin’ him with five: POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

And the master of mayhem, the prince of percussion, the super scholar of sound effects: Mad Magazine’s Don Martin! (Update: I fixed the link!) Dive yer eyes into the briny deep of this alphabetic list with such shiny doubloons as SHKLIKSA! (clam squirting man in face), or ONNNNNGHK FWEEEEEEEEE (husband snoring) or KACHUNK KACHUNKA KACHUNK KACHUNK (a cake baking machine).

Paste yer peepers below for Don’s sheer genius! ARRR, there be so much more mayhem fer me to learn!!!

2013-1-5-don_martin_sound_effects

 

 

How to write a comic book accent.

I talked with author Todd Borg again last Saturday. In his latest book, Tahoe Dark, I was amused by a pseudo-gangster accent: “unnerstand” instead of “understand.” Very Chicaguh, I mean Chicago. Todd told me he’d run into the same problem I once did when I wrote dialog for the Bjorg (my Star Trek satire Swedish Borg): too much accent makes dialog unintelligible. Todd sprinkled it sparingly, as he should.

In my soon-to-be novel, Kittygirl’s firecracker of a mother has a fast and furious Japanese accent. On Youtube, I found advice from andysunstory on How To Speak With A Japanese Accent. Replace “an” with “ahn”, “R” with “L”. But what if a word ends with “R”? “Daughtal” instead of “daughter”? I remembered Urusei Yatsura’s Lum saying “Dahling!” And there’s the matter of an older white male like me not sounding racist. “So solly?” YUCK!

I wrote (and rewrote and rewrote) the following for when Kittygirl’s mother confronts Holly at Holly’s first book signing. (I’m really wrestling with “lite” instead of “write.”)

“This glaphic novel! I had to buy anothah one! You did not lite it fah kids, but my daughtah found it in my manga stash and has not let go of it since! Until now. She loved when,” she smiled, petted the girl between pointy Kittygirl ears, and enunciated like she’d rehearsed her next line, “the princess gave up her crown.”

Many great writers say never write accent into dialog. Usually true. But my style is goofy comic book, so I offer the rebuttal of Al Capp’s Lil’ Abner. Like Vulgorilla the Slobbovian (Russian): “I got fonny for you. A travelink blubber salesman’s sled broke down…” Or Brooklyn’s Evil Eye Fleegle wanting his “goil” back: “Anudder triple whammy! I’ll keep popping’ until my beloved Shoiley is in my arms again!” Or pure hillbilly.

lil_abner_3_-29-1947_excerpt

Writing an accent is hard, but sometimes worth it!

P.S. I just changed “mahnga” to “manga.” To avoid confusion, that word for Japanese comic book should not be spelled phonetically.

New villain: The Stadium Patriot!

wpnan160831I am outlining a short story with a new supervillain: the Stadium Patriot! (Check out Mike Royko’s old article about it.) He twists patriotism into tribalism. Maybe has the entire football stadium join his football-fan, couch-potato, immigrant-hating, Borg-like team. Resistance is futile, you will be patriotic. Maybe a Colin Kaepernick character could be there to fan the conflict, just by sitting quietly while football Borgs bray, in the land of the free and the home of the SHUDDUP AND STAND UP, YOU TRAITOR! After all, Colin and Royko gave me the idea.

I originally thought the Stadium Patriot would be really racist. More likely, he’s about joining the team and hating all other teams. It’s the old writer’s dilemma: characters do not always run where you expect. Just like my Dan Mann character: the more he became like Stan Lee, the more he refused to be a villain. Authors must let characters do what they do.

P.S. Any ideas about the Stadium Patriot? I am a little concerned that his powers of bending crowds into his team might be too similar to the Twisted Tonguester’s power of making people hate, as in my short story in Scripting Change. Warning: Polite ideas will be posted, not so nice will be exterminated!

P.P.S. Super Holly is not fond of football. But she will like baseball games.

Holly art from San Francisco Comic Con 2016

Holly meets Angry Batman, by Chloe Dalquist. (Check theangrybatman.tumblr.com. Great humor for grown up geeks!) I read issue 1 of Angry Batman, and I smiled and bought it. Chloe said she’d draw something in it. I told her that Super Holly has a crush on Batman, and I asked her to draw that. This is what Holly would do on meeting Batman. I love Holly’s crushing and Angry Batman’s tude!

Holly and Angry Batman

Next, I bought Super Stupor issue 4, and R.K. Mulholland did a drawing for me. (Check his webcomic at somethingpositive.net.) I like how this makes Holly look so happy! He asked about Holly’s cape clasp, and I said it is grail-shaped.

Holly somethingpositive

And lastly, something silly! From Chuck Whelon, from whom I bought Pewfell in: Drain of Chaos. (Check his art and game website at whelon.com and his Patreon for Pewfell: The Epic Fantasy Sitcom at www.patreon.com/pewfell.) He drew Holly as an Urf. Hmm, is that a little Urf cleavage in the costume? No wonder Urf Holly looks so angry!

Holly Urf

99 cent book sale from a writer friend, Sept 2-5!

I copied this email into this blog post. I used to go to an open mic hosted by excellent writer James Hanna. Click the book covers for the Sand Hill Press 99 cent sale, especially A Second Less Capable Head (smart shorts) and Call Me Pomeroy (profanely funny!).
You’re not an ordinary reader. These are not ordinary books.
 
Outside the mainstream of formulaic thrillers, housewife erotica, and ghost-penned celebrity memoirs, there lies a whole new world of books to be discovered. If you find yourself bored with shopworn characters and plots, spend a buck and step into the world of Sand Hill Review Press, where stories are weird, hysterical, magical, and thought-provoking. 
 
These are not ordinary books. Because you’re not an ordinary reader. 
 
Please spread the wealth by forwarding this email to family, colleagues, or friends. Word of mouth is an author’s best friend and is much appreciated.   


Sand Hill Review Press

www.SHRPress.com

 

.99 cent sale from September 2 – 5
A SECOND, LESS CAPABLE HEAD

and Other Rogue Stories

by James Hanna

“The mark of an author at the peak of his literary powers, there are scant few tales that won’t linger beyond the page. Without a doubt, A Second, Less Capable Head delivers one of the most powerful and cutting collection of stories you will ever read.” – BookViral

THIS WEEKEND ONLY…. KINDLE FOR .99 cents!

Also try these titles from James Hanna– all .99 cents Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
Call Me Pomeroy is the anarchist’s last laugh at the bulls*** middle-class power structure that smugly believes it’s already gotten the best of us. It is a fart in the scuba-tank of institutional decorum. A bawdy, brawling, middle finger to the vapidity of modern civilization. In short, this compact, tightly-written book is high-voltage entertainment that shocks the senses and leaves you seeing stars.
Robert McGuill
Hurry! On sale this weekend only!
The Siege

A Psychological Thriller

The Siege is a harrowing, horrific and and utterly enthralling story of a corrections officer charged by superiors and inmates with the impossible task of bringing about a peaceful ending to a violent uprising at a high security prison. Tom Hemmings, carrying deep distrust of the establishment nurtured in his 1960s youth, finds himself forced to make troubling moral choices and Faustian pacts in his attempt to save lives and stay alive. As if his task was not difficult enough, Hemmings finds himself faced with the festering consequences of corruption, racism, greed and union conflicts that are quite literally institutional in every sense. This epic story is populated with characters as shocking as they are memorable, from Chester Mahoney (nicknamed the ‘Deacon’) the sycophantic yet eloquent prison informer with a background in rural preaching and paedophile tendencies who is pivotal in inmate-prison communications, to the stealthy, psychopathic Yoakum, a trigger happy officer who shoots inmates for sport. The tense, earthy dialogue sparks with linguistic electricity and the vivid and evocative imagery bring the setting and the characters to life in 3D ‘surround sound.’ A masterpiece.

— Bookworm

.99 cents on Kindle this weekend
Just .99 cents this weekend!
 
Just .99 cents this weekend!
Just .99cents this weekend!
To learn more or read a sample on Amazon, either click on each book cover or go to the Sand Hill Review Press website.
Sand Hill Review Press….. Always a good read!

The Super Holly Punch!

Holly pervy paparazzi

I always wanted to have Super Holly Hansson do Amanda Conner’s Power Girl Punch. At the Sacramento Con, I had Tobe Daranouvong, the artist at villain-comic.com, draw this Super Holly art for me. I had him put in another one of Super Holly’s catchphrases. Holly just punched a photographer for zooming his telephoto lens in the wrong place. (I should have asked for a flying tooth or two, like in another Amanda Conner Power Girl punch.)

Voice acting advice from Billy West!

Billy-West-and-Dave-M-StromAt Sacramento Con, at the autograph area, I met Billy West of Futurama fame (Philip J. Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan). I told him I am doing character voices for my story readings, and I asked for advice.

Go big, he said, I will not impress anyone with small. Put PASSION into your characters, make them live, they should feel REAL. And get the rhythm of a voice: Billy did Yogi Bear’s voice to make his point. (I suggest you look Yogi up on YouTube and listen to how he stretches syllables and bounces up at the end of a sentence.)

Billy talked to someone else about combining two actor voices to make another voice. I should try that sometime. Hope I don’t break something.

P.S. I’m not much for autographs, so I paid Billy for a photo with him. Autograph tables are part of the capitalist system.