In honor of today being Talk Like A Pirate Day, I repost one of my fanfics. I intend to perform this tomorrow night at Reach and Teach, 144 W 25th Ave, San Mateo, CA, at the Peninsula Writer’s Club open mic starting at 7:30.
SULU’S GAY TREK! (OR HOW SULU CAN BE STRAIGHT IN RODDENBERRY STAR TREK AND GAY IN J.J. ABRAMS STAR TREK WITHOUT BREAKING CANON!)
THE BRIDGE OF THE ROMULAN MINING STARSHIP NARADA, WHERE CAPTAIN NERO, A MANLY ROMULAN MINING MAN, SITS IN THE CAPTAIN’S CHAIR AND FROWNS, MAKING HIS MANLY FACIAL TATTOOS EVEN MORE MANLY.
CAPTAIN NERO: Avast, me mighty manly Romulan mining crew, for aboard me mighty manly starship, even the women are mighty manly! Our big mining starship has just passed through a big space-time rift, and now I spy a puny little starship whose captain might tell us where to find that logical Spock scoundrel upon whom we wish to wage our manly vengeance! ARM ALL WEAPONS!!!
THE MIGHTY MANLY ROMULAN MINING CREW: Aye aye, Captain! ARRRR!!!
THE BRIDGE OF THE FEDERATION STARSHIP KELVIN.
FIRST OFFICER GEORGE KIRK: (talking on his communicator) Really, honey? Your labor pains feel like he’s throwing full body blows?
THE NAVIGATOR: (a young man of Japanese descent hunching over his navigation console) Sir? I detect a tremendous space-time-from-the-future disturbance from that giant stormy rift! And another incredibly manly disturbance from that gigantic ship that just emerged from the rift! (He studies the readings.) As though everyone on that ship is so manly that they only like other… wait, the disturbances are combining…
THE CAPTAIN OF THE KELVIN: Into what?
THE NAVIGATOR: Into a concentrated energy wave that covers the entire sexual spectrum! And it’s heading directly at our ship! Um, along with a bunch of really big torpedoes and disruptor rays.
THE CAPTAIN OF THE KELVIN: You might have led with that last thing. SHIELDS UP!
SOUND EFFECTS: SKRAAA-CHOOOOOOOOMMMM!!! FZZT! BZZT! ZZZZZURP! THUMP BUMP WHUMP!!!
The entire bridge lurches to tilt at a 30 degree angle. Sparks fly out of control consoles that, after all these centuries, still do not have circuit breakers installed. Crewman fall out of their chairs.
THE NAVIGATOR: (picking himself off the floor) When are they gonna put seat belts on starships? (He checks his console.) Oh no, shields are down! We’re open to any energy attack imaginable!
A rainbow energy baseball rushes toward the main bridge viewscreen, and through it, and onto the navigator’s fly.
THE NAVIGATOR: (doing a double back flip) wwwwWWWWOW!!!
THE CAPTAIN OF THE KELVIN: What was THAT?
THE NAVIGATOR: (staggering) Oh… my… I just felt a surge of incredibly manly energy! Enough to bend sexual space-time 180 degrees!
The main viewscreen lights up with Nero’s mighty manly face.
CAPTAIN NERO: Avast, enemy captain! I be Nero of the Romulan mining ship Narada! Shiver yer timbers over to me bridge where I will torture you for information about that scurvy dog, Admiral Spock!
THE CAPTAIN OF THE KELVIN: Admiral who?
THE NAVIGATOR: Narada? Isn’t that Romulan for raging rainbow?
CAPTAIN NERO: (his tattooed face turning several shades of red, or green if that is the color of Romulan blood) ARRRRR!!! Me blood be boiling with rage! Prepare to enter the Romulan version of Davy Jones’ Locker!
THE CAPTAIN OF THE KELVIN: (disappearing in a transporter beam) But I’m not even wearing a red shirt!
THE NAVIGATOR: (to the first officer) Sir, their incredibly big and manly weapons are powering up again. Speaking of manly, shall we man all escape pods?
FIRST OFFICER GEORGE KIRK: Yeah, save one for me while I distract Mr. Romulan Road Rage. Computer! Set the autopilot for a collision course with that mining ship!
Computer voice from control console: (singing) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
FIRST OFFICER GEORGE KIRK: Nuts. Looks like I’m the designated driver.
CAPTION: A FEW YEARS LATER.
A hospital room. The navigator stands beside a hospital bed where a young Japanese woman holds her newborn baby.
THE WOMAN: (lovingly looking at the navigator) He’s beautiful. (She looks at the baby.) Little Hikaru Sulu. My healthy and strong baby boy. And so stubborn!
THE NAVIGATOR: How so?
The woman points to the baby’s diaper. It is colored like a rainbow.
THE WOMAN: We tried white, blue, and even pink, but he kept tearing them off.
THE BABY: (looking into the camera and smiling) Oh, my!