Snoke or Skooki?

I just saw The Last Jedi. I liked it. Give me a good story with good characters (Finn! Finn! Finn!) and I am happy. But I kept thinking that CGI Sith guy’s name of “Snoke” sounded like “Snookie.” Like that Snooki girl in Jersey Shore (a show I saw very little of, thank god). When I was a kid, my brothers and I used “Snookie” as a name for a nice Swedish character. I thought of the line from Star Trek: First Contact where a woman said, “Borg? Sounds Swedish.”

I still love the emperor from Star Wars 2 and 3. An over the top villain played by a fine English actor with great manners. He said the character was a blob of pure evil. Yes, and he was played deliciously. There are times when CGI does not beat flesh and blood. (And makeup at the end. And a little CGI for lightsaber duels. And lots more makeup And a voice whose every syllable drips with poisonous evil.)



The double-talk generator canna take no more!

sup-headerI do not have my blog posts for my audio stories or a fellow writer’s review of my Kindle story ready yet. So here is something I have been putting together: a list of plot devices in science fiction / fantasy movies that overload the human brain’s double-talk generator.

Star Trek J.J. Abrams reboot: Making long-range transporters. Why would you need starships when you can just beam from planet to planet?

Christopher Reed’s first Superman movie: Superman going back in time. Trouble starts? Just go back in time and undo it! And if it does not undo right, just go back and undo it again! There is a can of worms if there ever was one.

The mitochondria in Star Wars 1-3: Do NOT explain how the Force works! It is like explaining how the Lone Ranger’s pistol works. In fact, a horrible Lone Ranger flick did that; he used silver bullets to make the bullets fly straighter and truer. Siskel and Ebert said, oh, so the Lone Ranger’s a lousy shot. You want some Force? Have Doctor McCoy give you a mitochondria shot, like in the Star Trek episode Plato’s Stepchildren! (The aliens had big bullying telekinetic powers, but a booster shot of some MacGuffin mineral in the food supply fixed Kirk and Spock right up with mighty telekinesis! And Kirk got to smootch Uhura, to the envy of every Trekkie teen guy in the entire world! Except in the Southern states where they refused to air that episode. Dummies. Maybe too much corn squeezings in their water supply.)

In the UFO tv show: A rocket probe (chemically fueled, not even a warp drive!) follows one of the evil UFOs to its home planet. The probe finally sees that wretched planet of scum and villainy, but us Earthlings still do not know where the planet is because it could be a tiny planet up close, or a big planet far away. THAT! IS!! SO!!!STUPID!!!! The aliens are humanoid and human-sized, and thus came from a planet about Earth-sized. Otherwise, the aliens would have skinny limbs like bugs (small planet) or thick limbs like elephants (big planet). Learn the square-cube law!

In Starship Troopers: the aliens throw rocks at Earth from another star system. I covered this stellar stupidity already.

Armageddon: Ben Affleck said it best, why train oil drillers to be astronauts when you can train astronauts to be oil drillers? And you cannot blow up an asteroid the size of Texas because then you will get a whole lot of pieces that will clobber humanity like just one such rock wiped out the dinosaurs. Just knock the big rock off-course, dummy!

The Matrix: Human bodies make lousy batteries, you’d spend more energy feeding them than draining their meager heat. The original scripts had all those human brains networked to form a big Matrix computer, but some Hollywood jerk thought that was too complicated. Did you notice how they had to say that the machines added fusion power to human warm body power? People understand fusion, but not networks?

The Day After Tomorrow: Global warming is real, but it can’t turn New York City into a giant ice cube in less than a minute.

Waterworld and 2012 (two for one!): Even after you melt every ice cap on Earth (which WILL make oceans rise since lots of ice caps are on land masses and not floating in the ocean, you denial dum-dums!), there is not enough water in the world to flood all the continents.

Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen: Roger Ebert said it best: “You cannot outrun an explosion.” Just ask Bruce Banner.

Any movie with giant insects: Again, SQUARE CUBE LAW!!! More importantly, giant bugs look dumb, check the grasshoppers in the movie Beginning of the End. Stick with giant spiders, they are cool and creepy! (Super Holly Hansson would fight giant spiders, although she’d hate every skin-crawling, icky-webbing, gooey-guts-after-squshing-spiders second of it.)

Figuring Out Female Action Figures

rey-letter-eight-year-oldAn eight year old girl (same age as my Kittygirl character) wrote this letter to Hasbro about their Monopoly Star Wars game. After a Twitter storm, Hasbro will add a Rey figure. Adding a main character, what a concept!

But can little girls find Avengers Black Widow dolls? Guardians of the Galaxy Gamora dolls? Do those dolls have pretzel-bendy spines? Don’t get me started on Merida, the archer girl in Brave, who became a Barbie-skinny doll stuffed into a tight princess party dress, which she HATED in her movie.

What if Super Holly Hansson is ever dollified? Certainly they’d keep Holly’s triple-Ds, but would they keep her beaky, Roman nose? Barbie skinny or She-Hulk strong? Will Holly’s grimace growl, “You afraid of getting beat up by a girl?” Or will her grin giggle, “I’m going to the ball!”

P.S. To you butt-heads who snidely snarked that an eight year old girl could never have written that note: you got proof of that? You got hidden cameras in her house? (Ew, pervy.) Picking on a little girl goes beyond obnoxious and into poisonous nausea. You are villains whom Kittygirl would beat up and NOT say she is sorry afterwards. You FAILED to crush an eight year old girl! OOOOOOHHH, YOU FAILED!!!! As said on Regular Show (start at 0:34)…

power-girl-statue-dc-cover-girlP.P.S. What action figure do I own? Power Girl! I loved Amanda Conner’s Power Girl run in the comics, I loved the Harley Quinn / Power Girl crossovers, and I admit Super Holly would tear my head off if I ever tried to stuff her into Power Girl’s costume.

Hyper Light, Giant Bug Farts, and Respecting the Audience

I have seen Star Wars VII twice, once with my good twin (I am the evil one). He asked me if there was anything that I picked up the second time. Yes, two things.

1: The light of the blaster shot that the newer, younger Darth stopped mid-air early in the flick. It was a cool effect.

2: First time I saw the bigger, new and improved Death Star’s laser, I wondered about those inconvenient laws of physics limiting the speed of light, and thus, making it a very long time before that laser hits anything in other star systems. Second time, I heard the line about hyper-light. See? Just one little bit of doubletalk, and the light beam goes faster than light.

Which made me remember that old movie, Starship Troopers (much as I’d prefer not to). In that flick, giant bugs in another star system threw an asteroid at Earth. In other words, they threw a big rock. At Earth. From another star system. The rock had no warp drive, no hyper-drive, no lightspeed drive, no nothing except rock.

I will pause here to let you think about that. (ONE SECOND PASSES!) Okay, you should have thought of this: A ROCK WILL TAKE A VERY LONG TIME TO TRAVEL SEVERAL LIGHT-YEARS!

Let’s say the bugs are at the closest star system, which is four light years away. One light year equals 5,878,499,810,000 miles. That’s a lot of miles. Assuming the bugs can get the rock to travel at near light speed, that will be a bit over four years. The energy to get a rock going that fast will be tremendous, as in turning lots of gas-giant planets entirely to energy (since I am not a physicist, I suspect that is a very conservative estimate). About four years later, the big nearly-light-speed rock will destroy the Earth, not just dig a crater. Remember this thing called kinetic energy? That rock would have LOTS of it. If the rock goes any slower, we Earth people will have thousands, or maybe millions of years before we bother to take our hyper-light spaceships to the rock and give it a little tap to knock it off course.

These bugs blasted the energy to move that rock from the ends of their abdomens. Yeah, out their butts. Not only is that incredible aim (hitting a moving target that far away when you are facing away from it), but that is an incredibly powerful fart. Do those bugs eat planet-size anti-matter burritos?

This is one of the many reasons why Star Wars VII works and Starship Troopers does not. Star Wars VII understood that the audience knows what a light-year is, and took a moment to write the screenplay around that. Starship Troopers, by not bothering to do that, insulted the audience’s intelligence.