Ahoy, matey, here be me onomatopoeia!

ARRR!!! I be one day late fer Talk Like A Pirate Day! But I be doin’ it now because, like a pirate, I be breakin’ the rules when I write my action-packed and comic book goofy prose stories! Firstly, I be writing accents into me dialog! Like I be doin’ right now! Secondly, I be using plenty of exclamation points!!!!!!!!! And thirdly, I be writing sound effects words! Why not? They be words on the page, adding sound! YARRRRRR!!! Here be some of me sound effects booty in me Super Bad Hair Day short stories!

Them scallywags Harry Headbutt and Super Holly fight toe-to-toe and scowl-to-scowl, and for every one of Harry’s punches, Holly clobbers him with five! THOOM! POW POW POW POW POW! THOOM!! POW POW POW POW POW!! THOOM!!! POW POW POW POW POW!!!

SHPLLLPTT! A big fat bug hits Super Holly’s face mid-flight!

KERR-RUNCH! SKKKKKTT! Holly accidentally punches a parked car, caving in its driver side door and skidding it onto the sidewalk, good thing she has insurance!

Harry Headbutt be blowin’ a motorcycle-revving super-raspberry: “BBBBBTTTHHHHHPPPPP, BBBPPPP, BBBPPPP, BBBTHHHPPPPPP!” Now that be WET!

Apricot Computer CEO Chris Jobz kisses the evil Karate Queen’s feet: MMM-WAH, MMM-WAH!

BUMP WHUMP BUMPLE THUMP! A beat-up ninja be tumbling onto a stage!

FLOOOFFF! The inky cape of the Intellectual be billowing!

TOK! Holly’s pen bounces off her signing table. KAH-LATTER! And hits the floor. FLUR-FLUFFLE! Followed by some of her comic books.

BTFFFT-KER-SPLLLLLUP! A giant spider web be blanketing all the geeks in the Geek Guy’s comic book shop!

Holly Hansson’s pre-super fist plows into John Glutt’s doughy cheek: SHHPLLLUUUDDD!

YARRRRR, those were FUN to read aloud at open mics!!! I be learning from the masters! Like Stan Lee, who said that the third “O” be, of course, silent in BTK-KA-THOOOM!!!

And Charles Schultz! Linus be throwin’ one snowball at Lucy — WHAP! — and then Lucy be clobberin’ him with five: POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

And the master of mayhem, the prince of percussion, the super scholar of sound effects: Mad Magazine’s Don Martin! (Update: I fixed the link!) Dive yer eyes into the briny deep of this alphabetic list with such shiny doubloons as SHKLIKSA! (clam squirting man in face), or ONNNNNGHK FWEEEEEEEEE (husband snoring) or KACHUNK KACHUNKA KACHUNK KACHUNK (a cake baking machine).

Paste yer peepers below for Don’s sheer genius! ARRR, there be so much more mayhem fer me to learn!!!

2013-1-5-don_martin_sound_effects

 

 

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