The double-talk generator canna take no more!

sup-headerI do not have my blog posts for my audio stories or a fellow writer’s review of my Kindle story ready yet. So here is something I have been putting together: a list of plot devices in science fiction / fantasy movies that overload the human brain’s double-talk generator.

Star Trek J.J. Abrams reboot: Making long-range transporters. Why would you need starships when you can just beam from planet to planet?

Christopher Reed’s first Superman movie: Superman going back in time. Trouble starts? Just go back in time and undo it! And if it does not undo right, just go back and undo it again! There is a can of worms if there ever was one.

The mitochondria in Star Wars 1-3: Do NOT explain how the Force works! It is like explaining how the Lone Ranger’s pistol works. In fact, a horrible Lone Ranger flick did that; he used silver bullets to make the bullets fly straighter and truer. Siskel and Ebert said, oh, so the Lone Ranger’s a lousy shot. You want some Force? Have Doctor McCoy give you a mitochondria shot, like in the Star Trek episode Plato’s Stepchildren! (The aliens had big bullying telekinetic powers, but a booster shot of some MacGuffin mineral in the food supply fixed Kirk and Spock right up with mighty telekinesis! And Kirk got to smootch Uhura, to the envy of every Trekkie teen guy in the entire world! Except in the Southern states where they refused to air that episode. Dummies. Maybe too much corn squeezings in their water supply.)

In the UFO tv show: A rocket probe (chemically fueled, not even a warp drive!) follows one of the evil UFOs to its home planet. The probe finally sees that wretched planet of scum and villainy, but us Earthlings still do not know where the planet is because it could be a tiny planet up close, or a big planet far away. THAT! IS!! SO!!!STUPID!!!! The aliens are humanoid and human-sized, and thus came from a planet about Earth-sized. Otherwise, the aliens would have skinny limbs like bugs (small planet) or thick limbs like elephants (big planet). Learn the square-cube law!

In Starship Troopers: the aliens throw rocks at Earth from another star system. I covered this stellar stupidity already.

Armageddon: Ben Affleck said it best, why train oil drillers to be astronauts when you can train astronauts to be oil drillers? And you cannot blow up an asteroid the size of Texas because then you will get a whole lot of pieces that will clobber humanity like just one such rock wiped out the dinosaurs. Just knock the big rock off-course, dummy!

The Matrix: Human bodies make lousy batteries, you’d spend more energy feeding them than draining their meager heat. The original scripts had all those human brains networked to form a big Matrix computer, but some Hollywood jerk thought that was too complicated. Did you notice how they had to say that the machines added fusion power to human warm body power? People understand fusion, but not networks?

The Day After Tomorrow: Global warming is real, but it can’t turn New York City into a giant ice cube in less than a minute.

Waterworld and 2012 (two for one!): Even after you melt every ice cap on Earth (which WILL make oceans rise since lots of ice caps are on land masses and not floating in the ocean, you denial dum-dums!), there is not enough water in the world to flood all the continents.

Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen: Roger Ebert said it best: “You cannot outrun an explosion.” Just ask Bruce Banner.

Any movie with giant insects: Again, SQUARE CUBE LAW!!! More importantly, giant bugs look dumb, check the grasshoppers in the movie Beginning of the End. Stick with giant spiders, they are cool and creepy! (Super Holly Hansson would fight giant spiders, although she’d hate every skin-crawling, icky-webbing, gooey-guts-after-squshing-spiders second of it.)


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