The bad guy was Left Behind. Whom I gonna boo?


There are times when I, an aspiring author, become an even less aspiring film critic. (I’ve done it before. Check my essays tab, like for my Catwoman review.)

I want some elitist rapture / Atlas Shrugged elements in my novel. (The chosen ones rising to heaven or haven while those down below fry? That could fit some fanboy culture. Or Hollywood.) So I will talk about the latest Left Behind movie. But not much. I have not seen it, so I’ll discuss only the very obvious. In five parts.

First: 2% on Rottentomatoes. I thought this reboot had nowhere to go but up, judging from the previous Kirk Cameron version. That rated 16%. So I was wrong.

Second: I expect a good performance from the main actor or actress. I saw the previous version of Left Behind on a used DVD. You don’t hire boyish, clean-cut Kirk to play a guy named Buck. And the Antichrist in that version? I kept thinking of what Spider-Man said to Titanium Man (who is Russian): “Say moose and squirrel. Just once. You know you want to.” In the reboot movie, I had hoped that Nicolas Cage would put fun craziness into his performance. Reviews say he plays it ramrod straight. To quote Monty Python: Oh, you’re no fun anymore.

Third: This reboot movie was not based on the book. Only the first third of the book. Hollywood, stop doing the Hobbit-in-three-parts thing and PUT THE WHOLE BOOK INTO THE MOVIE! (All rules have exceptions. Watchmen, a 12 issue comic book series, should have been at least two movies.)

Fourth: Unless you are the type who cheers when heathens git blowed up real good (the director is a stuntman, bet that affects the plot), a movie about good and evil needs a main baddie. And guess who got left behind in this flick: The Antichrist! This movie should have been about good vs. evil, not good vs. I’m still in my dressing room.

Fifth: As for seeing it, I’ll wait till it hits Netflix, or Hulu Plus, or TV cable, or a used DVD shop. Maybe.


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