Kittygirl: first draft!

I just finished the first draft of my Kittygirl story. Yes, it’s a little rough, needs more laughs and spice and less fat. Here’s the first three pages. Already I think the start is not hooky enough, it feels a bit dull and it needs more to GRAB the reader. But it’s my bedtime now. (current story length: 4983 words)

SUPER HOLLY’S FAN KITTYGIRL IN: THE FIENDISH BRAIN FREEZER!

SURFVILLE, CALIFORNIA. A SUNNY SIDEWALK NEAR A TALL WALL. EARLY SEPTEMBER. A SATURDAY. 2:41 P.M.

Kittygirl marched down the sidewalk, the faithful members of the Super Holly Hannson fan club close behind her. She and the fangirls all wore the right colors: blue shirts, red capes, yellow up-arrow chest logo. Well, almost all. Following behind was Kittygirl’s mom in an ordinary dress. Mommy never cosplayed.

At the Boogie Board wall, Kittygirl pivoted around and ordered the girls: “Holly girls, HALT!” They did it just like they were in the army, except for a little giggling. They were all as excited as Kittygirl. As the president of the Super Holly fan club, Kittygirl pointed upward and gave the announcement they had all been waiting for: “Look! Up in the sky!”

A whooshing sound grew louder.

One girl said, “It’s a bird!” Another said, “It’s a plane!” And Kittygirl crowed, “It’s … SUPER HOLLY!”

And that beloved blonde young woman wearing a blue-sleeve supersuit, red cape, and yellow up-arrow chest logo meteored out of the sky. She landed at Kittygirl’s side.

Super Holly Hansson stood with hands on hips. Kind of like Wonder Woman, except Holly had a yellow purse on her hip instead of a lasso. She said, “How’s my fan club?”

They chirped, “We love you, Holly!” Well! Holly looked so happy as her fangirls climbed all over her like she was blonde monkeybars.

Then Kittygirl heard it: a tinny version of Turkey in the Straw. An ice cream truck the size of a bus pulled up, blocking the view of the street. A window opened. A man in a white suit poked out his head and announced, “It’s f-f-f-free ice cream day, l-l-l-little ladies!”

Instantly the fangirls hopped off Holly and ran to the ice cream truck. “Gimme vanilla!” “I want chocolate!” “I want organic blueberry!” The man handed out cone after cone of cold yumminess.

Holly looked down at Kittygirl and giggled. “Well. My uncle Pop is right: fame is fleeting! Sweetie, why aren’t you in line too?”

Kittygirl smiled up at her tall, strong, pretty hero. “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Holly knelt down and held Kittygirl’s hand. “I’m so sorry! If I’d known, I’d have brought some soy ice cream!”

Kittygirl gave Holly a quick hug. “It’s okay. You’ll always be my hero. You saved me!”

Holly hugged also, her super-strong arm so gentle. “And YOU saved me back!” She stood up again. Mom walked up to Holly and handed her a huge ice cream cone.

Holly sniffed the cone’s four big pink scoops tower. “Mmm, I love strawberry!” She took a big super bite. And another. And another. And another.

Mom knelt down while pulling some hankies out of her purse. “Honey, later I’ll buy you some soy ice cream. Now, I have to wipe some fangirl faces. AStarting with this one!” With a mischievous grin, she wiped Holly’s face.

Holly winked at Kittygirl and whined, “MOMMMM-MEEEEE!”

Kitty giggled up at Holly. Wow, the sun behind Holly made her blonde hair glow like a angel’s halo. “Your hair’s so shiny. You’re so tall and brave and beautiful.”

Holly knelt down and stroked Kittygirl’s long black hair. “You’re pretty too. Especially your big kittycat eyes.”

Before Kittygirl got her cat powers, her eyes were dark Japanese brown. Now they were Siamese cat blue, her pupils vertical slits. “Yeah. But they kinda stare back at me when I’m brushing my fangs.”

Holly smiled. “Glad you adjusted to your powers okay.”

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